Not the Staind song – although that has always resonated with me so perhaps there is more to that than I initially thought. But back to it..

I haven’t ‘blogged’ in almost a year, I always do this – “life gets in the way”. In reality I just don’t ever make the time I need to process my life in order to move forward. Maybe that is true for a lot of people. But with this period of self-isolation comes the opportunity to self-reflect and even I cannot ignore that.

I joined a group on Facebook earlier – I think that’s how this whole train of thought started. It’s a group set up by an old school friend to support women and help them achieve their body goals. It isn’t one of those fad diet/sales pitching/thinspo type pages. It seems the genuine start of a supportive community. After watching the welcome video I feel very warm and positive. I compare that to my own journey with my body/ in this body, all the negativity and pain but I have decided that it is all down to my attitude and approach to it all. So here’s hoping for a change..

I’ve mentioned before about having atypical anorexia. My restrictive eating that saw me never consume more than 500 calories a day. I always knew that it wasn’t healthy and always tried to tiptoe that fine line between ideal range and underweight in my bmi category. Always having the perfect response to “you’re too skinny” – Well, I wasn’t, I was in the box that they told me to be in.

I’m not a naturally slim individual, I was always broader than most girls growing up, more muscly.. but I was active, so understandably so right? Well now I’m not. I’m losing my mobility, I’ve lost my passion, my hobbies and somewhere amidst pregnancies and problems, I’ve lost myself. But, instead of losing lbs I’ve gained them, 50 of them!! Some may have been needed but for the most part they are definitely not wanted nor are they needed. Okay, so the loss of an active lifestyle and deteriorating health have been a factor but 50lbs of it, if I’m honest that’s not all beyond my control. Most of that is on me, I mean literally it is on me but I mean this attitude. My love for wine and the way it makes me feel/not feel and cake can no longer be balanced by my activity. But my defeatist attitude and calorie-laden comforts have only fed the negativity – excuse the pun.

I’ve been told to just accept what is happening to my body anatomically, sometimes by those we believe know best, but that doesn’t make it so and nor should it mean the mind should close down. I am sure there are activities I could do if I just opened up to them, gave myself that time and space to create a healthier body and mind.

I don’t know it all but I know enough to know what I should be doing, could be doing but I guess I’m not strong enough to get there on my own. Or maybe I am.. maybe I just want/need that support and community..

Let’s see aye.